Typically, my periods of deep introspection are punctuated with thoughts of totally mundane, ridiculous things. I noticed the instructions on my tube of toothpaste the other day, which had nothing to do with brushing technique, but instead, offered this bit of wisdom:

"FOR BEST RESULTS, squeeze tube from bottom and flatten as you go up."

It suddenly dawned on me that due to my history as a middle-squeezer, I may not be achieving optimal cleanliness for my teeth. There must be some sort of chemical reaction that occurs when you flatten the tube that allows for a progressive level of cleaning. By squeezing from the middle, I could very well be robbing myself of a pinnacle of dental hygiene I had previously only dreamed of.

I plan on writing to both Colgate and Crest for explanation. If it weren't that important, they wouldn't have printed it in bold, capital letters, right? That is space that could be dedicated to important tips on brushing technique -- is it better to brush with the bristles perpendicular to the surface of the teeth? Should a 45 degree be utilized to nudge out some of the more stubborn deposits of tartar? And, for that matter, why does tartar share its name with a sauce commonly used with fish? Is there some cross-production going on at Proctor and Gamble? Should I be concerned about the horrors of gingivitis on other parts of my body?

The tooth is out there, people. Your dental hygienist has been lying to you for all these years.