living up to the name

I am often crippled by low-self esteem in the things I choose to pursue. My acting career never really went anywhere interesting thanks to the fact I often would talk myself out of auditioning because I was too tall, too fat, too white, too thin, too whatever, and that I'd ultimately just be wasting my time.

I tend to doubt my abilities in the unknown and don't always chase after those things I want to do. Working at the gym has been relatively easy because it is more or less a culmination of the things I've already done in my history.

I've spotted an opportunity for something I've always wanted to do -- artistic director at a local music theatre. On paper, my experience may not seem relevant to the daily operation of a semi-professional theatre, but I know that in action, if I'm able to pull it off, it will be truly brilliant due to my otherwise irrelevant past experience teaching me how to do it.

I've explained some of my ideas and direction to some of the people whose opinions on such things hold the most sway... some of my theatre-professional friends. My parents. They've all been supportive and encouraging.

Finally, this time, rather than let my self doubts ruin my chances before I take any, I'm listening to what other people are saying -- I *am* capable of doing this. I can make this happen, and even if I don't get the position I can at least take pride in applying and following through.

As I start pasting my ideas together into a cohesive introduction for the company -- I'm informed that I will be offered a promotion at the gym within the next month. The logistics are not worked out, which is why the offer is not offical -- but I've been put on a short list that consists of one person.

So, if the big one doesn't happen, I'm still making forward motion. I'm keeping my cards close to my chest in the meantime.

How weird that I actually might start pushing into the prime of my life. I was only half serious when I named this page that.