slow starts

I will admit I have been more than a little bit remiss in posting. What started out as an innovative way to keep myself accountable for my self-improvement has turned into an afterthought. I'd say that I'll do better but at this moment in time I just can't be sure.

I will say this though: I've lost five pounds. It is a slow start, but its a start nonetheless. I'm accustomed to weight falling off me these days -- I shrugged off 15 pounds when I first moved to Atlanta within a month and a half. This time around, though, I'm not exerting myself to full capacity because, somehow, its not as necessary. But I *have* been eating better, and riding my bike into work a couple of days out of the week, and that's a step in the right direction.

Alas, I'm preoccupied a lot these days. Work has gotten rather intense and I'm pushing for a promotion... and if it comes through, I'm uprooting my life for the second time in 14 months. No one ever seems to talk about the inherent stress that comes with an optimistic point of view, and as I get older I notice I start paying a lot more attention to the balance between pros and cons. Pros are still winning, but the cons weigh heavily enough to make me second guess. Of course, I haven't even so much as interviewed for the position, so I don't know why my mind has gotten this far ahead of myself. Perhaps its just because I don't want to catch myself by surprise.

My self-esteem seems to be in the gutter recently. All I see right now are dark circles around my eyes, thinning hair, uncontrollable flab that will always be there in my mind, because I'm always the fat kid, no matter how skinny I get.

This is not about my own mental preconceptions, though. This is trying to live a better life. It's within my grasp, and yours, too.